Jacques Gets a Taste for Parquet

I came across my puppy the other morning in the throes of ecstasy.  No, not that--he's still too young--something much more disturbing.  And amusing.  I particularly enjoy the snorting!

Okay, Here It Is

Here's the new hairdo!  What do you think?  You can't tell from this picture but it's super short in the back.  He left some length in the front but thinned it out considerably so it's sleek and close to my head.  I kinda look like a boy, but my boobs give me away...

So?  "Hot" or "Not"?

I Feel Lighter....And Naked

I cheated on someone last night.  I'd like to say it was a momentary lapse, that I was caught up in the heat of passion, but I'd be lying--it was planned a week in advance.

And it was spectacular.

Now before you all start calling me names, let me make it clear that the person I cheated on was my hairdresser.  And he really should have seen it coming because I cheated on my previous hairdresser with him 7 years ago.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I have been going through a hair identity crisis over the last year and it finally came to a head (no pun intended) last night.  I've always had stick-straight hair my entire life (not counting a couple of ill-advised perms) so imagine my surprise (alarm, dismay) when about a year ago my hair started to get a little wavy, flipping out in ways that ruined the line of my perfect, sleek bob.  This summer ("thank you, humidity!") things spiraled (again, no pun intended) out of control when the slight wave started becoming something some might call a curl.  Not people with actual curl in their hair, more like people like me who don't have a curly hair on their body (no, really--not "there" either).  This development has left me at a complete loss as to how to style my hair.  I've tried everything I can think of but at the end I'm never satisfied.

So I decided a needed a new perspective.  Enter Joe.  Joe's solution?  To cut my hair so short that there's no more curl left.

When I get the hang of styling this new look of mine maybe I'll post a picture.  In the meantime, rest assured I like the "new me" and I'm sure you will too.  I just need to get used to the feel of wind on the back of my neck again....

It Is Done

I took 6 bags of clothes and shoes (and yes, even purses) to Goodwill today.  It's the first time in a long while I've done this and I'm a bit ambivalent about it.  As good as it feels to get rid of things I know will go to people who can use them, a part of me feels like I've given up.

You see, every single item of clothing I got rid of today is too small.

So I'm feeling a bit defeated.  I've had to accept that I'm so far away from ever wearing these items again that by the time I get back to that size (assuming I ever do, and that's assuming a lot) I won't want to wear them anyway, probably because they will be 15+ years out of style.  The shoes and purses were an easier thing--most of the shoes never really fit properly anyway and the purses had seen better days and didn't have any particularly distinguishing features to make the cut.  But I'm still dealing with letting go of the clothes.  Some of the pieces I've had for a very long time (like, since the 90s) and it's easy to get attached to something after that long.

I must confess--I kept back one bag.  Hey, I got rid of six, what more do you want from me?  Geez!  Anyway, I kept one bag of stuff I just couldn't bear to part with.  One such item was the faux zebra jacket I wore the first year I won "Best Male Drag" at Club Ren in their annual Halloween costume contest.  With a history like that, it would be unthinkable to let go.  Besides I'm pretty sure faux zebra is a classic that will never go out of style...Regardless, it stays along with a few other favorites I just can't live without, even if they don't fit.

The best part of this whole thing is I can actually get into my fabulous walk-in closet unimpeded.  Formerly the way was blocked by piles of garbage bags taunting me with their too-small contents.  Now I can easily get to the clothes I own that actually do fit without spraining an ankle.

So, for those of you who want proof (I'm looking at you, Mindy) here's my newly emptied closet:

See?  Nothing blocking the way to all those beautiful clothes.  Here's a look at the purse collection:

Now to be honest this isn't the complete collection.  I do have more, but these are the ones not in the current rotation.  Yes, there's a rotation.  You got a problem with that?

Here are the bags of clothes I've kept.  Some of them are fall/winter and some of them are spring/summer that are just a teensy bit too small:

See?  I got rid of six and I kept eight.  That's pretty good, right?

Right?

Well I'm proud of myself.

Our Lady of Halibut

There's an awesome fish 'n chips place a short drive from my home where they practically know my name, probably because it's my go-to place for dinner on those nights when I don't feel like cooking.  I personally think they serve the best fish 'n chips in my city--both fish AND chips are made of awesome!  And the tartar sauce has nothing to be ashamed of either.

But here's the weird thing--I think the fries might be magic.  Every single time I open the box and look at the contents I think to myself, "Hey, they kinda skimped on the fries."  But somewhere between the box and my plate a miracle happens--the fries seem to double in number (I don't know how they do it, therefore it's a miracle).  The fries that seemed inadequate in the box are now so plentiful they are falling off the edge of my plate.  The only thing that would impress me more would be if the grease-stains on the bottom of the box were in the image of the Virgin Mary.

I think it's my destiny to figure out the secret behind these amazing, self-replicating fries.  It's becoming pretty clear that this is going to require a lot of eating of fish and chips research.

Humidity is a Bitch

Living in Southwestern Ontario, you get used to humidity. There are days where you'd swear you were slogging through the rain forests of Borneo; you pray for rain to fall so the torture will finally end.

Today is one of those days.

While it's not especially hot out (currently 18 degrees Celsius), the humidity is at 96%. This means that you are sweaty and sticky without actually being hot. Very disconcerting. It also tends to have some other unexpected side effects. For example, this morning I thought I'd treat myself to some homemade pancakes. I've made this same recipe with the same ingredients dozens of times, but this is the first time the batter has looked like this:

Not it's usual consistency. That probably should have clued me into the fact that something was wrong, but I double-checked my ingredients and measurements and all seemed fine, so I decided to plow ahead. When I plopped the too-thick batter on to the frying pan, it just sorta sat there, taunting me:

Looks really appetizing, doesn't it? Mmmmm! It refused to bubble on top which gave me pause, but I persevered and ended up with these lovely pan-biscuits:

They sorta look like toasted crumpets. Fortunately they tasted fine, although a bit filling, so it wasn't a complete failure, but from an aesthetic standpoint I think I'll wait for better weather before trying this for company.

And the Winner Is...

...Cindy S!

What did she win, you ask? Cindy has won a one-of-a-kind, framed photograph taken by moi of subject matter of her choice! Cindy has chosen fish as her subject, "live fish, not dead ones" as she so wisely clarified. Does Cindy know me well? I think she does.

Anyway, live fish it is. I'll see what I can do. Congratulations Cindy, and thanks to everyone who left a comment/wished me a happy anniversary. Sorry to all of you who didn't win--better luck next year!

I Need Another Hobby Like I Need Another Hole in My Head

I now have access to a digital SLR camera (courtesy of my late father-in-law) which has enabled me to fulfill a long-standing desire to learn how to take a decent picture. I've signed up for a photography course starting in January and to commemorate I have started a new photoblog. Feel free to check on my progress at http://kendall-worthathousandwords.blogspot.com.

Maybe It's a Sign

I pulled a muscle in my back on Saturday while putting on my bra. You may recall a similar incident a while ago. These two events have led me to the conclusion that I should stop wearing undergarments.


I went to the chiropractor yesterday to see what could be done and he beat me up pretty good. Is it weird that I really liked it? He practices something called Active Release Therapy which hurts like Hell but seems to have been extremely effective. Not to mention the tremendous rush I got from all those endorphines--nature's way of getting you high to take your mind off of excruciating pain.

He also gave me a crap-load of really strenuous excercises which looked misleadingly easy when he did them. These are meant to strengthen my core and will replace the damaging crunches I've been religiously doing at the gym which he explained have been worse than useless, even contributing to my problem by weakening the tendons that hold my spine together. Isn't nice to know your efforts to get in better shape are actually causing more harm than good?

This would all be so much easier if I could just exchange this lemon of a body for a new one. If anyone is deserving of a "cash for clunkers" incentive it's me.

I Laughed, I Cried, I Choked From My Hacking Cough

That is all.

Bathroom Etiquette for Dummies

I had a very interesting (no, really--it was) conversation the other day with a couple of coworkers about bathroom etiquette. The two of them were "pee shy"--they won't go if there's someone else already using the restroom. They also had rules about what stall a new comer should choose based on which one they had already occupied (hint: the farther away, the better) and how much conversation is acceptable between restroom users (in case you can't guess, none.)

I nodded and smiled in something resembling agreement because I could see they were somewhat passionate about the topic, but I'm afraid I could only partially relate. I couldn't care less whether there's someone peeing next to me in a stall or whether they can hear me pee. I'd prefer to keep the conversation to a minimum, especially while in the act of peeing, but if someone initiated I wouldn't snub them or anything.

I have some modesty--I won't drop trou in front of just anyone and void my bladder--but I have peed in front of My Honey. I guess what it boils down to is I just don't see it as that big a deal. We all do it (unless you're on dialysis or have a catheter or something) but yet we seem to need to pretend we don't. When I announce to my group of friends/coworkers/random strangers in a restaurant that I need to pee, I'm met with embarrassed snickers and cries of "TMI." Why are we so obsessed with making a show of denying our bodily functions?

Greeting from Rainy Cold Shitty California

Got here okay, reasonably pleasant flight with the smoothest, softest landing in the history of aviation. I didn't even realize we were on the ground until we started to slow down! Anyway, My Honey is sick (no, it's not the Swine Flu) so we're gonna stick close to home for now, but I'm hoping to get to the California Academy of Sciences at some point while I'm here.

Had to bring a whole crap load of clothes with me because the weather is supposed to be all over the frickin' place with rain more often than sun. Regardless it's just nice to be here with My Honey--we hadn't seen each other since my karaoke awesomeness in February!

Cross your fingers that we see the sun at some point over the next 5 days and that I get to wear the capri pants I brought with me at least once. I shaved my legs in preparation and everything and I really don't want to waste that.

I Love My Friends

The following is an excerpt from a 4-way email communication last Thursday between myself, Guy, Kiki and Katie. How did I get so lucky to have such awesome friends?

Kiki: So where does everybody want to go? Did we decide? I have a weird headache behind my eye that says it's been too long since alcohol.

Me: You had suggested Ethel's yesterday. That's fine with me, but I'm easy...

Guy: And cheap too. Ethel's I mean, not you. So, Ethel's it is then? Since Kendall gets off (heh heh) at 6:30 we can just meet there at 6:45. I'm picking Kiki up at work--Katie, let me know if you need a ride too from Laurier if that's where you are...

Katie: ummm....i'm not sure if i am going to my afternoon class, so i will email (i am still in class right now...on break)...SO ....i will email after lunch ...my thesis presentation went well!....at least i think it did..we'll see.
i counted the number of times i said vagina/vaginal, so that was cool.

Me: I haven't been able to convincingly use the words vagina or vaginal in conversation today. Although it hasn't stopped me from trying.

Guy: I would assume it comes up lots when discussing people's investments...I know I use both ALL THE TIME when talking about life insurance policies!

Kiki: Not to put a damper on all the joking...but I actually did have to use the word vaginal a couple of times when preparing an underwriting quote. I didn't feel right about it though...I felt icky inside.

Me: I'm so jealous--your job (and Guy's apparenlty) is way better than mine. I only get to say penis.

Kiki: Yeah, but that's just when you're sexually harassing your co-workers.

There Are Somethings Money Can't Buy. For Everything Else There's Mastercard

Oil change and Engine System Flush: $75
Transmission Fluid Change and Flush: $170
Power Steering Fluid Change and Flush: $80
Coolant Change and Flush: $100
Full Tank of Gas and Car Wash: $33

Not having my 12 year old car break down on me during this weekend's roadtrip: Priceless.

All Right, Mr DeMille, I'm Ready for My Close-up

I have had unhappy skin for the last week and a half. I ran out of my favourite facial moisturizer and I've had to use my backup moisturizer and while it is adequate, it just isn't nearly as wonderful as my usual stuff.

When I discovered this particular moisturizer it was as though a whole new world opened up to me. I don't mean to hyperbolize here, but you don't understand how much money I've wasted trying to find something that my sensitive skin would not only tolerate, but embrace like a long-lost relative. This stuff makes my skin soft as a baby's bottom and it evens and smooths my skin like nothing else I've tried (and I've tried a lot of stuff!)

For the last week and a half I've looked on helplessly as my skin began to betray me. I started noticing it's texture losing it's smoothness, variations in colour becoming more apparent and even a little (gasp!) acne showing up and it's not even my period!

This morning all that changed. Last night after work I visited the drug store to finally pick up a new bottle and lo and behold the stuff was on sale! Ten bucks off! So I lavished my poor face with attention, applying both last night before bed and this morning after my shower and it was like the last 10 days had never happened!

Well, to my face anyway.