One Year

It's hard to believe it's been an entire year.

It seems like only yesterday we coloured your hair pink, but in comparison it feels like it has been forever since I felt one of your hugs.  So much has happened in the year since you died, so many times I wanted to call you and tell you about my day.  It is an impulse that will always be there; you were always the first person I told about everything.

I still tell you, I just don't need a phone to do it.

I miss you, but you are always with me.  I channel you more and more as each day goes by--when I laugh, it is your laughter I hear; when I chat up the person next to me in line at the grocery store, it is you who is being friendly to a stranger; when one of my customers flirts with me on the phone it is you they are flirting with.

There have been some dark days this past year--it's been a tough road for this family--but we have made it through.  I know you would have been proud of me, of all of us.  We've lost so much, but gained a stronger bond with each other.  I know you'd want to be there to comfort us, but we find strength somehow just in the knowing.

Is it strange I still want to be a better person for you?  A better daughter, sister, niece, partner, friend.  I still strive to make you proud of me, even though you're no longer here to see my efforts.  I want to be that person you always believed I could be.

It's a work in progress.

Maybe it always will be.

Happy Birthday Mom

You would have been 64 today.  I remember a time when I thought 64 was "old"--now it represents a life cut short unfairly by an illness that has targeted too many of our friends and family.  As I write these words, your daughter-in-law's brother is barely clinging to life, the tumour in his head robbing him of him of himself, his sister of a brother, his parents of a son, his nieces of an uncle.

I miss you.  I knew I would and I'm not even surprised by the intensity, but living it is harder than I thought it would be.  I still listen to that voice message you left for me--I feel so lucky to have that connection, to be able to hear your distinctive voice so strong and happy.  I was worried I would forget--forget your face, your hugs, your laugh--but I can remember you so clearly it's like I just saw you yesterday.  But you've been gone 10 months now, and in some ways you've been gone even longer than that.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  Today I celebrate your memory and your legacy.  I celebrate your strength of character and strength of spirit.  I celebrate all that I have learned from you and all that you still have to teach me.

Today, I celebrate you.

Something to Celebrate

I've been racking up the frequent flyer miles lately with a trip to California and then a trip to Edmonton to attend the wedding of a long-time friend to his perfect woman.  Now that I'm home I'm still feeling a little jet-lagged but no worse for wear overall.

The California leg of the journey was wonderful as always.  The famous Bay to Breakers race was on while I was there and while I did not take part, my Honey and I and a friend went to an after-party in the Haight-Ashbury area where we danced to some decent music and enjoyed the ample people-watching opportunities.  Traditionally, those participants in the race who aren't hardcore runners will dress up in costume and compete for various prizes.  They also tend to consume copious amounts of alcohol/drugs which makes them even more entertaining.  Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me so you'll just have to use your imagination.

My Honey and I flew together to Edmonton on Wednesday to join several friends (and even more complete strangers) in celebrating the wedding of Howard and Laura on Saturday.  We were meeting the bride for the first time and she is a wonderful, beautiful person who is clearly smitten with our friend Howard.  Laura is Mexican and Howard is Chinese so it was a colourful, interesting and multicultural event.  I've posted a few pictures from the ceremony over at my photoblog and there will be more to follow, including some taken at the reception which came after a traditional ten-course Chinese wedding banquet.  All together I took over 500 pictures but clearly they didn't all make the cut.  I will however leave you with this gem:

A Light Has Gone Out in the World

My Mom's long, courageous battle with cancer finally ended at about 9:30am on Monday, January 18th. My brother and step-father were with her when she peacefully took her last breath. I was able to see her on Saturday and Sunday and I'm so glad of that--she was so tired of fighting and I knew it would be the last time I would see her alive.


My Mom has been the guiding force in my life for as long as I can remember. Her personality was larger than life and she had a presence that couldn't be ignored. For a long time I was intimidated by that, I felt I could never measure up to her example. I feared her and loved her in equal parts. We had many rocky periods over the years, but she was always proud of me and never withheld her love and support. As an adult I grew a very close bond with her and learned to embrace those things we had in common and not be afraid what our similarities and differences may imply. I stopped seeing her in black and white and realized we're all just human and do the best we can with what we have.

She touched the lives of so many people--I don't think she ever realized how much of an impact she really had on all of us. I've never met anyone like her and I know I never will again.

I love you, Mom. I miss you more than mere words can convey.

Taking Stock

To say this year has been difficult is an understatement of infinite proportions. It started with a painful whimper and went downhill from there. Sitting here recalling all the shit I've witnessed over the last 365 days is depressing but also weirdly empowering. I've said it before and I'll say it again: you don't know how strong you are until you're tested. This year has been quite the test.

The Defeats:

-losing my first karaoke contest

-my Mom's near-death morphine overdose at the hands of health care professionals

-serious upheaval at work, followed by major career soul-searching

-my stepfather's near heart attack followed by quadruple bypass surgery

-the tragic death of a young co-worker by a hit-and-run driver (who's still at large)

-recurring lower back issues

-my Mom's continuing decline culminating in a broken arm, broken leg and finally admission to palliative care

-the sudden passing of my father-in-law

-my brother-in-law's brain cancer came back after 10 years

-my parent's dog, Murphy, was run over by a car and killed

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, we can remember the many happy events of the past year.

The Victories:

-I celebrated my first anniversary as a blogger

-Holy crap! I was in a karaoke contest!

-I got to see a fabulous Andy Warhol exhibit

-I got in touch with my inner bob

-I was chosen to be a contributor to a newsletter at work

-I joined a band

-my step-father made a full and speedy recovery from his quadruple bypass surgery

-I had the opportunity to take 3 months off work to spend with my Mom, sharing her journey with cancer and in the process growing a strong bond with my nieces

-we gave The Fonz the finger

-my Mom's story helped raise money for a palliative care home in Huntsville, finally making it a reality

-Kiki and Randy got married

-my Mom made it to her 63rd birthday and was ushered into the 21st century

-I started a new hobby and a new blog

-I celebrated Christmas with my whole family, including our new puppy, Neo

In spite of all the adversity I've faced this past year, I am ultimately incredibly lucky; lucky to have wonderful friends and family, a good job, a loving and supportive partner, an affectionate (if not a little crazy) cat, and a strong and miraculous mother who continues to amaze us every day. I can't linger on the negative--I choose to embrace the positive and look forward to the new wonders and joys I will face in the new year. The challenges I face will undoubtedly compare to or even surpass what I've already seen, but I know now that out of negatives come positives that make the negatives seem worth it in the end. So I will go forward, happy in the knowledge that my journey is far from over and holds surprises beyond imagination.

Happiness Is...

...snuggling with a warm, fuzzy kitty. After all he's been through these last few weeks (and will be going through for who knows how much longer) My Honey deserves all the warm, fuzzy snuggling he can get.

I love you, Honey.

Downtime

I'm back at home until Thanksgiving (that's the Canadian Thanksgiving to my millions of American readers) and I have mixed feelings about that. I really need to be here--for me and for my sorely neglected cat--but I can't help but feel anxious about leaving my Mom. She seems to be doing well on the outside, but inside they have discovered a new tumour on her chest wall, tumours on her orbital bones and some small tumours in her neck. The tumour in her chest is partially cutting off arterial blood flow to her lungs, which is obviously not good, and the tumours on her orbital bones are pressing against her eyeballs which makes her eyes water and affects her vision. She's probably legally blind at this point; it's that bad. I keep waiting for the phone call that tells me she's taken a turn for the worse and I better get my ass back there.

But for better or for worse, I'm here and trying to make the best of it. My cat has missed me desperately, evidenced by the fact that he won't let me out of his sight. Truth be told, I missed him too. He's a pain in the ass, but he's also warm and cuddly and very reassuring. And he loves me. Almost as much as he loves food.

I've also been thinking a lot about the future, what it might hold and where it will be spent. It's becoming more and more important to me to find a way to be in California with My Honey. There will be a lot to work out, but it's been too long this way and I just can't do it anymore. When Mom is gone, my most compelling reason for staying will be gone too. I have other very good reasons for staying--friends, family, universal healthcare--but weighed against being with the man I love there's no contest. Sorry guys! You'll just have to come visit me in sunny California!

Farrah Flip and the Nut Huggers

I am the best aunt in the world. Seriously. Just ask my niece, Hayden. She will happily show you the "stuffy" (Hayden for stuffed animal) I bought for her, then she'll tell you about the crafts we made, the banana chocolate chip muffins we baked and our visit to the pet store to play with the kittens and look at the bird with the funny name.

She will confirm I gamely played "doggy goes to the vet" and pushed her endlessly on the swings. She'll giggle when I mention how she got my pants all wet when we paused to splash our feet in the water during our walk along the docks, and she might even remember that I took her for ice cream and let her drink almost a whole can of orange pop.

All of this we accomplished in one day, the day we got to spend together, just the two of us with no parents and no little sister. It was an awesome day that I hope we'll both remember for a long time.


And with respect to the title of this post:

The next morning, while my brother made us all pancakes for breakfast, an episode of "The Littlest Hobo" came on. The episode was called "Boy on Wheels" and it featured a very young nobody from Scarborough in the role of "Tommy." Tommy sported an awesome Farrah flip (even 17 year old boys couldn't resist it's allure) and some very tight short-shorts. So the title of this post is the name of my new band, in honour of a native son who will hopefully never forget his roots.

Sing along everyone!



Addendum:

Sadly, I couldn't find video footage of Mr. Myers and his iconic look, but here and here are some stills from the episode I located through Google Images. Ah internets, I think I love you <3

Well, Now I Won't Enjoy It

Excerpt from my Gmail chat with my Honey tonight:

Honey: So what's new?

me: i have a breakfast date with my friend stephanie on saturday

Honey: This Saturday or next Saturday?

me: this saturday

valentine's day

we're going for french toast at symposium

and kiki and i are going shopping for underwear on sunday

do i have an exciting life or what?

Honey: More exciting than mine.

Let's recap: Kendall: breakfast with a hotty on Saturday, shopping for underwear with another hotty on Sunday, probably great dinner with friends Sunday night. Me: Saturday get yelled at by pre-pubescent assholes online, Sunday more of the same, Sunday night finally break down and eat more shitty McDonalds food in an orgy of self-loathing

I'd say you win...

me: well when you put it that way...

I Think I Have a Christmas-cake Hangover (No, wait--It's PMS)

I was completely spoiled this year--my Mom got me not only a brand new coffee maker but also 3 different varieties of whole-bean coffee, two georgeous mugs, a set of 4 placemats with matching napkins and a steering wheel cover exactly like my friend Koochie's so I can think of both her and my Mom everytime I get in my car. My favourite aunt gave me a $50 gift card for Chapter's and my brother's family gave me a huge duffle-like travel bag with wheels and a pull-handle-thing for visiting my Honey in Cali.

Speaking of my Honey, he came home on Christmas Day (see? I said I was spoiled) and he brought me a purse made out of candy wrappers by Mexican prisoners. Where does he find these things? I can't make this shit up.

Tonight my KW friends and I are doing our gift exchange--we drew names when my Honey was here in November--and I can't wait to see what Randy got me! The suspense is killing me! I hope LP likes her gift and I'm really curious to see what Kiki got my Honey. She's gonna love what he got for her!

On a more serious note, my sister-in-law and nieces had a close call the week before Christmas. They're in the process of adding a ginormous addition to their house--a large 2 car garage with a new master suite above--and the furnace company had provided them with a temporary propane heater while they were replacing the exisiting furnace and some of the duct work.

My brother was away on an overnight for work so "the gals" were home alone. At some point while they were all asleep, the heater malfunctioned and started spewing soot and carbon monoxide into the house. When my sis-in-law woke up in the morning, she and the girls had this black stuff all around their noses and mouths. She called the contractor who in turn called the furnace company who then called my sis-in-law and told her to get herself and the kids to the hospital right away. All three of them had carbon monoxide poisoning and they've all been sick ever since. Ryles has a bad chest cold and a double-ear infection and Haydie has been so nauseous she's practically stopped eating and has lost a noticeable amount of weight. My sis-in-law also got a bad cold and had almost completely lost her voice by Christmas Day. All in all, it looks like their recovery will be long and slow. Very scary! It could have been a lot worse!

Everybody's Getting Hitched!

I'm surrounded by wedding madness. Friends Mindy and Chris are getting married in, like, two months and at least 3 people I work with either just got married or are planning pending nuptials. Even Kiki and Randy have decided to tie the knot (much to the surprise of a few in our circle). Inevitably I'm finding myself swept up in the enthusiasm, offering to help Kiki with handmade invitations, emailing pictures of wedding dresses and looking forward to shopping for shower gifts, even perhaps throwing said shower...

I am often asked why my Honey and I haven't gotten married. I usually look at the person asking the question like they've grown a second head, but I guess it's not a completely ridiculous notion since we have been together for almost 9 years. We did have a purely academic discussion of the concept of marriage early on in our relationship, and we both seemed to agree that while it might be nice for many people it just wasn't something either of us was interested in. The idea of planning a wedding fills me with dread and I'm firmly of the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" school of thought when it comes to relationship status.

To be honest though, if he were to pop the question I wouldn't hesitate to say "yes" (this is not a hint, Honey). I'd like to think I'd stick to my guns and keep it a small, unconventionally informal and non-traditional affair, but that's the problem with weddings--everybody has an expectation of what they think you should do and it's hard not to just go ahead and do what's been done before because it's easiest that way. It takes a really strong (or stubborn) person to stand up and say they don't want to wear white, they don't want a bouquet or "attendants", no tuxes or speeches or thousands of dollars on photography--just two people declaring their abiding love and fidelity to each other in the company of their closest friends and family.

Preferably with good food and an open bar.

Sorry Baby, I'm Taken

I met a boy at a party on Saturday. He was clearly interested--he couldn't take his eyes off me. Even in the arms of another woman, his gaze never wavered. When the party was over, it was obvious he wanted me to take him home.

Unfortunately, his carseat was already in someone else's car.

Sorry Declan. Call me in twenty years.

I Left My Heart Geographically-Near San Francisco...

My cat is yowling at me through the closed office door. He missed me while I was at work all day and now his pathetic noises (which are usually just irritating) are making me feeling guilty for not being at home much over the last few days.

They also remind me that I miss someone too.

My Boyfriend is Better Than Your Boyfriend

My Honey is the Best Honey Ever! He navigated me though getting onto my beloved Interwebs using his crazy Linux-speaking computer in his office. I feel honoured and proud that he would entrust me with the awesome responsibility that comes with using this computer. I'd like to think I'm the only person aside from him who has had this privilege, but I could be just one of a long line of women who've taken 'er around the block, if you know what I mean...

Anyway, the important thing is I now have a home-based portal to the wonders of the world wide web and I no longer need to blog from work which I'm sure pleases everyone, not the least of which is my employer.


He may be an enabler, but he's my enabler!

One More Sleep!

I leave tomorrow for 5 days in San Francisco! My Honey doesn't have internet at home yet, so y'all are just gonna have to wait until I get back for an update.

I just want to point out the irony that the Weather Network is calling for it to be 10 degrees warmer here on Saturday than it is expected to be there. Where does a girl have to go to get some warm weather?! Apparently not San Francisco...

Anyway, I'll be back after the 23rd...

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing

I'm fascinated by the e-Harmony commercials on TV--those people seem so happy now that they've found their soul mate. They're smiling and laughing and dancing and you're smiling too and thinking, "Aw, look at them. They're so cute!"

Then, after you've seen the same commercial two or three hundred times, it sinks in that some of those smiles seem just a little strained. A few of those "happy" people look a little uncomfortable, the mask slipping just a tiny bit. One person in the couple will be gushing about their partner and the partner will be giving the impression that said gushing isn't entirely mutual.

The part I'm really intrigued about is the "compatibility test" that is responsible for bringing these people together. I'm tempted to go on the site, take the test and "review my matches for free" just out of curiosity--not because I'm unhappy in my relationship, but because I'm wondering what kind of person e-Harmony thinks would be compatible with me. And we're not talking just any kind of compatibility, we're talking "deep compatibility" coupled with "intense physical attraction."

I'll never do it though, because I think the whole thing is a load of crap. What's at work here is the law of averages--provide people with enough opportunities to meet other people and eventually they will connect with someone. What determines a positive outcome isn't some pseudo-psychological "compatibility test" but how many other people fall for the pitch and become members of the site. The larger the pool from which to draw, the more likely you'll find that special someone. The matches could be completely random and I believe the success rate would be roughly the same.

Still, it is intriguing...

If You're Going to San Francisco...

I've booked my flight and I'm looking forward to some fun and sun (hopefully) in California in April. Hmmmm...so much to do, so little time. My Honey has to work for 2 of the 4 days I'm there--any suggestions on what I should do while he's stuck in his cubicle?

To All The Boys I've Loved Before

I know the guys have been feeling left out ever since I got all mushy for "my girls", so what better time to show them love than on Valentine's Day?

I have had the great pleasure of knowing some of the most self-actualized men on the planet. They are without exception caring, intelligent, thoughtful, respectful (most of the time...) and comfortable in their own skin. They aren't threatened by the strong women in their lives--and believe me, there are some strong women! They have enriched my life and the lives of others, showing us how to be true to ourselves, strong and independent-minded, but still open to new ideas and considerate of others.

I want to thank all you guys for the unconditional love and acceptance you've given me over the years--even when I might not have deserved it or returned it. I'm a lucky gal!

WARNING: This one's sappy!

There's something you get as a woman from relationships with other women that you just can't get from your relationships with men. Don't get me wrong--I love the men in my life! They're all wonderful and I wouldn't trade a single one. But a close female friend can almost seem to read your mind--knowing what you mean when you are having trouble expressing it, knowing what to say when you really need to hear it.

I'm fortunate enough to have more than one of these kinds of relationships when some women never get to experience even one. Each relationship brings its own unique quality and experience to my life and I am richer for it. I have drawn upon the well of their knowledge and believe me, they have all taught me something. I can only hope I have given back to them as much as I have taken.

So this is to say "thank you" to my gals--you know who you are. I love you, I appreciate you and I want you to know how lucky I feel to have you in my life. Think of this as an early Valentine you all deserve.