Me, My TV and the Month of November

The Documentary Channel is free for the entire month of November!  I'm watching a documentary right now!

I won't be hurt if you don't share my enthusiasm--I understand that I watch TV in a way that is entirely different from the vast majority of the TV viewing public.  I have never watched an entire episode of Survivor, American Idol, Two-and-a-half Men, Jersey Shore, Dancing with the (so-called) Stars, Big Bang Theory or anything that resembles "The Real (blank) of (blank)".  I know!  It's like I live under a rock or something!

The truth is, I need to feel engaged with what I'm watching.  And by "engaged" I mean "educated", "stimulated", and "not entirely disgusted with humanity".  Generally speaking, the only way I can achieve that is through documentaries.

Does this make me a TV snob?  Maybe.  I don't care--I refuse to consume a steady diet of trash TV, much the way I refuse to eat a steady diet of trash food.  Does that mean I don't have my "guilty pleasures?"  Of course I do!  I am strangely addicted to Say "Yes" to the Dress, despite never ever wanting to wear a wedding dress; I try really hard not to miss an episode of Fashion Police (it's pretty much the only reason I know who half our current "celebrities" are); I'm addicted to House Hunters and pretty much anything related to interior design or real estate.

But the vast majority of what I watch is found on PBS, National Geographic Channel or CBC with the occasional Discovery Channel or History Channel thrown in.  To have an entire month of unfettered access to the Documentary Channel?  Let's just say I'll be spending a lot of quality time with my couch and TV for the next four weeks.

Sickening

I just saw this Nutrisystem commercial on TV, and I have to say the "before" of Amy is way, WAY better than her "after." Not only that, Marie Osmond looks like a corpse! What the fuck is it with some women needing to look like famine victims?

Seriously. I just don't get it. This is not beautiful, it is not healthy and it is damaging to a young woman's body-image perception.

Advertising FAIL!

Brace Yourself--You're in For a Treat!

This is one of the most incredible things I have ever seen. Talk about 'feel good TV!'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth!?

I'm finding the North American obsession with oral hygiene a bit unsettling. Obsessiveness in general is unsettling, but the part that really creeps me out is how my mouth is depicted as a cesspool of bacteria, germs and unsightly stains, not fit for exposure to other human beings. I'm often told I have a dirty mouth, but it's generally meant in a more figurative sense than a literal one.

I can't seem to sit though a commercial break in my favourite TV programs anymore without being beaten over the head with images of giant teeth dripping slimy purple-brown goo and magnified alien-like bacteria pulsating and wriggling like Jell-o. But thanks to the modern miracle of CGI, the "hero" in these epics is often just as creepy as the (alleged) bad guys.

Consider the mouthwash with the pink "liquid men" splashing around in your mouth--doesn't that just give you the willies? Or the other one that promises to "Stop gingivitis before it starts, " which makes gum disease sound more like an eventuality than a possibility. These scare tactics are meant to convince me I can't live a normal life without their products, but the thought of using them makes me want to scream with terror.

I guess what really offends me about these ads for fancy toothpaste, motorized toothbrushes, gingivitis-fighting mouthwash--and most importantly, teeth whiteners--is the insinuation that my mouth is naturally diseased and defective and without the intervention of these innovative and high-tech products I'm doomed to a life of pain and suffering, both physical and psychological. My $2.49 toothbrush and $3.79 toothpaste just aren't gonna cut it--in fact, it's irresponsible of me to even be using them!

I guess I'd better stock up before they're all recalled and taken off the store shelves. If they're that ineffective, one would assume a responsible company concerned with my oral health wouldn't want to taint their reputation by selling products that don't work. Right?

Have I Mentioned How Much I Hate TV Commercials?

It's time for another rant! This one is courtesy of the marketing geniuses as Chevrolet. Apparently they think the way to attract women car buyers is to pelt them with 4 inch stilettos. I'm sure you've all seen the commercial where a female driver is suddenly startled by a shoe landing on her new Chevrolet Transverse gas-guzzler. She then proceeds to run out into the street along with other shoe-crazy women to collect the manna from heaven.

I perceive many problems with this scenario: 1) It would hurt like hell to be hit in the head by a Manalo Blahnik dropped from 40 000 feet; 2) Last time I checked shoes come in various sizes, styles and colours--the statistical probability that she'll end up with even one matching pair, let alone a pair that fits, is astronomical; 3) I've just purchased a $30 000+ SUV--do you really think I'm going to be okay with the shattered windshield and severely dented hood that will result from footwear hurtling at my vehicle from space?

But all these complaints pale in comparison to the blatant sexism and propagation of negative stereotypes that are at the heart of this ad. This my friends is why North American car manufacturers are in their death thoes--they are so out of touch with their consumers that no bail out package can help them now.

I Guess That's Not What They Meant

I was watching one of my favourite home decorating shows the other day and the couple they were featuring had a 2ish year old and another one on the way. They were looking for help to "baby-proof" their home and I thought, "Well I should hope so, 'cause they're obviously getting in somewhere!"

*rimshot* *cymbal*

Obviously, I'm a Cat Person

When I was a child, I was fascinated by TV commercials. I would be held in rapt attention during those particular two minutes when only moments before I was completely ignoring the actual program. As I've gotten older, I've become really annoyed by most television advertising. I studied advertising in school, so maybe that's a contributing factor, but I find most ads are ill-conceived and poorly executed. On the rare occasion when I come across a truly excellent commercial I'm disproportionately thrilled, often telling friends and family about it ad nauseam.

One of my least favourite series of ads running on TV right now are for Pedigree Healthy Vitality dog food. They feature a dog alone with the food in an all white room with no sound except the disgusting noises a dog would make while scarfing down dog food. On top of that the sound has obviously been amplified for an even more nauseating effect. Arguably the worst offender features a Jack Russell Terrier gnawing away at a Denta Stix thingee and the audio has been cranked up to such a degree that you can actually hear a hiss! The voice over commentary is patronizing in the extreme and makes me want to effect violence on the ad exec who approved this insult to my intelligence.

Thankfully, television remotes come with a "mute" button.

"Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts..."

Okay people, I need some cheering up. I've been exposing myself to too much of "man's inhumanity to man" lately and it's bringing me down.

Saturday night I went to a talk by a policewoman who spent time in Darfur as a United Nations investigator and she was full of horrific stories that kept most of us on the verge of tears for an hour and a half. Then, last night I watched a documentary on TVO about disabled children in Bulgaria that have been abandoned by their parents and are living in rundown institutions where they are effectively warehoused and forgotten. These kids are slowly dying of starvation and malnutrition, never shown love or even kindness, left to rot in beds when they become too weak to walk--I tell ya, it depressed the hell out of me!

It's such a beautiful day today, I'm gonna walk to work and focus on the singing birdies and the little buds poking out on the trees and remind myself how lucky I am that I'm not an African in Darfur or a disabled child in Bulgaria.

And most importantly, Happy Birthday Randy!

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing

I'm fascinated by the e-Harmony commercials on TV--those people seem so happy now that they've found their soul mate. They're smiling and laughing and dancing and you're smiling too and thinking, "Aw, look at them. They're so cute!"

Then, after you've seen the same commercial two or three hundred times, it sinks in that some of those smiles seem just a little strained. A few of those "happy" people look a little uncomfortable, the mask slipping just a tiny bit. One person in the couple will be gushing about their partner and the partner will be giving the impression that said gushing isn't entirely mutual.

The part I'm really intrigued about is the "compatibility test" that is responsible for bringing these people together. I'm tempted to go on the site, take the test and "review my matches for free" just out of curiosity--not because I'm unhappy in my relationship, but because I'm wondering what kind of person e-Harmony thinks would be compatible with me. And we're not talking just any kind of compatibility, we're talking "deep compatibility" coupled with "intense physical attraction."

I'll never do it though, because I think the whole thing is a load of crap. What's at work here is the law of averages--provide people with enough opportunities to meet other people and eventually they will connect with someone. What determines a positive outcome isn't some pseudo-psychological "compatibility test" but how many other people fall for the pitch and become members of the site. The larger the pool from which to draw, the more likely you'll find that special someone. The matches could be completely random and I believe the success rate would be roughly the same.

Still, it is intriguing...

I Have Got to Get This Off My Chest!

I watch HGTV a lot and there is a commercial they play (seemingly incessantly) that features a montage of their various real estate shows. One of those shows is about the incomprehensible phenomenon of flipping houses--hasn't anyone figured out yet that no one ever makes money on that unless they're a professional? A few of the little clips show a guy who has purchased a house to flip that is in such a bad state that it is obviously going to force him into bancruptcy. A little past the midpoint of the commercial there is a clip of him saying, "This house is turning into a cash cow." Obviously what he meant to say was "money pit" and he's just too stupid to know what metaphor to use. Now I don't know if the producers of that commercial are also too stupid to know he said the complete opposite of what he meant or if they like rubbing his stupidity in his face, but either way that commercial annoys the hell out of me.

My, What a Long Sword You Have!

He's shiny, he's bald and he's naked. That's right, folks--he's Oscar and tonight he'll go home with the lucky men and women chosen by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

I don't generally get very excited by the Oscar's. I usually tune in for the first hour or so, hoping to see some train wrecks of the fashion and acceptance speech persuasion. This year is different; I'm watching to see the fate of my Canadian Girls--Sara Polley and Ellen Page.

Although, I'll be really disappointed if there aren't any spectacles...

Something tells me I'll come away satisfied.