Monday, July 28, 2008

30 Day Money Back Guarantee!

Saturday morning television is dominated by kid's shows and infomercials. It's debatable which of the two are more annoying. However, I recently was sucked in by an infomercial for a product called Kymaro New Body Shaper. They should have called it "Rocket Launcher"--look at the before and after pictures!

Anyway, I was apparently convinced enough to purchase it (I know, I know--I'm a sucker) and I spent the next week or so eagerly awaiting it's arrival in the mail. Well, the fateful day arrived Friday when I picked up the discreet, brown cardboard box at my nearest postal outlet. I couldn't wait to get it home and see the "dramatic results" for myself!

Well, I didn't launch any rockets--I guess I wear a better bra than the women in the infomercial--and it seems I may have purchased the wrong size. I measured myself (which was humiliating enough) and compared that to the chart, but despite my careful preparation the thing is too damn big! It's really long (I'm short, but I'm not that short) and it's actually loose up top. So now I'm gonna have to return it (at my expense, damn it!) and ask for the next size down.

With my luck, the replacement will be too small and I'll fall over and break my neck while dancing around my bedroom trying to get the frigging thing on!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Sorry Baby, I'm Taken

I met a boy at a party on Saturday. He was clearly interested--he couldn't take his eyes off me. Even in the arms of another woman, his gaze never wavered. When the party was over, it was obvious he wanted me to take him home.

Unfortunately, his carseat was already in someone else's car.

Sorry Declan. Call me in twenty years.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I'm So Handy!

I've been having trouble sleeping in lately, ever since the blackout blind in my bedroom got tired of "hanging in there" and came crashing down in a heap of plaster dust and cracked, yellowed plastic. Did I mention my bedroom faces east?

So today I went to my friendly neighbourhood Canadian Tire and purchased a Debbie Travis roman blind in candy apple red. I had purchased one some time ago to go in my Honey's office, but since then that sneaky Debbie has changed her product! Not only is it now more expensive, it also has these fancy wall brackets you have to screw in and then you gotta snap the cross piece onto the brackets--it's quite the production! The old one just had some little hooks you screw into your window frame and then it was just a matter of hooking the blind on. Piece of cake--no drills, no screw drivers, no measuring. On the plus side, the new blind can be taken down (it's velcroed onto the cross piece) to be laundered, and it completely blocks out all light (no more waking up at 5:45am).

I took down my curtains, which were now in the way, and put up the new blind all by myself without damaging anything! Including me! And it's straight! And red! Boy, is it red.

And yes Guy, I did say "screw" a lot in this post.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Attack of the Clones!

I was met with the most ungodly sight yesterday. There I was innocently enjoying my beer on the patio of Ethel’s when along came three young women who all had the exact same Rhianna-inspired, expensive-looking, bleached-blonde hair and those ginormous black “Jackie-O” sunglasses that made them look like anorexic insects. Seriously, it looked like someone had cloned themselves just so they could wear three different outfits at the same time.

They freaked me out completely. I (almost) couldn't drink the rest of my beer.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I Left My Heart Geographically-Near San Francisco...

My cat is yowling at me through the closed office door. He missed me while I was at work all day and now his pathetic noises (which are usually just irritating) are making me feeling guilty for not being at home much over the last few days.

They also remind me that I miss someone too.