Thursday, January 29, 2009

We're Done Here

I'm getting really tired of being sick. Really. I can count the number of days this month I've felt well without taking my fuzzy bunny slippers off. I lie, they're not bunnies. But that's beside the point--the point is I'm sick and it's got to stop. Now. Capice? Enough with the crud in my lungs for the love of Pete! My nose is raw from the 3 trees worth of tissues I've used since Sunday and they're the ones with the fucking lotion! I'd have no nose if I weren't so picky about my tissue! It would just be a stubby, tender lump of hamburger.

And while I'm at it, where's the love? I dangle the promise of a free gift and still only two people comment on my anniversary post? In the immortal words of Kiki, "C'maaaaaaahn!!!" (This is her usual tactic when trying to get me to stay out past midnight at the club--is it working? Yeah, it doesn't work on me either.)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Happy Anniversary to Me! Now With More "Blog Candy!" (That means I'm going to give something away)

One year ago yesterday I made my very first blog post! I had planned to celebrate this festive occasion on the actually anniversary but due to illness I was prone on my sofa most of the day yesterday. I'm still sick today but apparently not too sick to blog so I guess I'm on the road to recovery. I did call in sick to work again though because every 5 minutes I feel the need to cough up portions of my lungs. I didn't think that would go over well with most of my colleagues or clients so I'm "taking it easy" at home with my cat, wallowing in self-pity and a sea of Kleenex.

I started this blog a year ago with the intention of improving my skills as a writer and sharing my (often unconventional) point of view on everyday life with friends and family. I had hoped I might by chance gain a loyal following of readers who appreciated my observations and were entertained by my insights. I was worried I would run out of things to say or that perhaps no one would be interested in hearing it. Because really, if I didn't care about having an audience I could have just started a diary.

Blogging is not only my way of putting down my thoughts and adventures, it's a way of getting attention and being noticed--but not in a bad way like when I dyed my hair orange. I'm glad I had lots to share over the past year and I'm honoured people are interested in and receptive to what I have to say. I'll take that as a positive omen for what the next year of blogging may hold and I promise to continue to give you entertaining coverage of all that is to come.


Thanks to Mindy, I've been goaded into giving something away to a lucky individual who leaves a comment on this post. Leave a comment and prove you love me I mean possibly win a prize!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

This is Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed Out Alone

I locked my keys in my car at the mall today. I got a bit confused--I meant to put my keys in my purse and leave my gloves on the passenger seat and instead I left the keys on the passenger seat and put my gloves in my purse. Whatever, don't judge me. Normally this wouldn't be a problem since I typically carry a spare car key in my purse, but I let My Honey use it the last time he was here visiting and ever since then it's been hanging out on my bookshelf.

So I went into the mall and asked the nice lady at the customer service desk if security knew how to jimmy open the door on a very basic, no power locks, no alarm system kinda car (I've always held this theory about people in law enforcement-type jobs having a "troubled" youth so I was hoping they'd have someone "experienced" if you know what I mean.) She called someone on her little two-way radio and along came Zach.

Zach was very young, very good looking and very eager to break into my car. So eager in fact, he had forgotten his jacket. This would turn out to be a bad idea. I had briefly considered taking the bus home and getting my building's super to let me into my apartment so I could get my spare key, but they were out when I had left and I was skeptical they'd be there now so I thought my best option was to let Zach have a go.

What followed was a good 15 or 20 minutes of my biting my tongue nearly to the point of drawing blood because of Zach repeatedly saying things like:

"I think it's too short."
"I can feel it!"
"I want it to go up, not out."
"If I could just get it in there..."
"It keeps moving on me."

At this point I made the observation that this was as difficult as finding the G-spot to which he laughed (thank God!) and possibly blushed, although it could have been the cold. He then admitted to me that he had always wanted to do this, "but legally, of course!" I asked him if his fantasy was going as well as he had hoped and he replied, "Not really" to which I responded, "I get that a lot." I thought he was gonna choke.

By this point Zach had determined he was using the wrong tool ( heh heh--"tool") so we went inside so he could find a longer one and also get his jacket before he caught hypothermia. Five minutes later he was back at it, determined not to fail. I admired his tenacity but frankly doubted his ability. He would prove me wrong--10 minutes later I was in my car and he was happily recounting the adventure to one of the other security guys.

But wait! The story doesn't end there. Remember my alternate plan to go home and get my super to let me into my apartment? I discovered when I got home that I had forgotten to lock my apartment door--turns out all I would have had to do is wait for one of my neighbours to let me into the building and I would have been home free.

But then I wouldn't have met Zach and robbed him of his car-breaking-in virginity, so I guess it was all for the best. Oh, and that spare key? It's now in my purse.

Friday, January 23, 2009

There's a Song in my Heart

I've settled on the song I will sing in the "Flannagan's Idol" karaoke fiasco I mean competition: "Fever" made famous by the incomparable Peggy Lee. Since I can't really sing but I exude sexiness (work with me people) I figure this is a sure bet--the same repetitive 6 notes sung with a slight growl and a low cut shirt. I can't lose!

Credit for this selection goes to Mindy and my Mom--Mom suggested it way back when I first told her about being chosen and then Mindy suggested it last night when we went out to Flannagan's to check out the song lists. Lucky for me (and you, my adoring public) it's on the list!

It's perfect--everyone's heard it but I doubt anyone would think to sing it, so there won't be the risk of comparing my mangled version to someone else's masterful version. Well, except for the original. But other than that, no comparisons!

I tell ya, I got this thing in the bag!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Say Hello to My Little Friend

You may have noticed a new addition on the right-hand side of the page; it's my "Blog Flower" and it is meant to motivate me to post on a regular basis. If I'm a bad blogger and I haven't posted in a while, my poor little flower will start to wilt. If I'm really bad, she'll die.

I've never been great with plants--the only one I haven't managed to kill is a Chinese Evergreen I adopted back in 1993 when I moved into a new apartment and found it on the floor. It had been abandoned by the previous tenant, probably because her cats had mangled it almost beyond recognition. This plant works for me because it thrives on neglect--I water it once a month and stick it in a shadowy corner and in return I have a jungle. I'm hoping I'll have equal success with this little one but only time will tell...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Home Again, Home Again

I made it back safe and sound! No emergency river landings or anything like that, just US Airways running out of food on my flight back yesterday. No worries--I brought my own lunch.

This trip was nice and relaxing--lots of time spent with My Honey watching my new favourite UK import and playing Rock Band (for the purposes of practicing my karaoke skills, of course!) I did some shopping at a Japanese dollar store for Katie's birthday and I scored some cute tops at Ross and new bras and underwear at Tar-jay. We did hit one new restaurant in Mountain View called uWink--the perfect blend of food and games--but the highlight of my trip was visiting The Milk Pail. I picked up these fantabulous scones and some apricot Stilton which I will be sharing with the peeps at Sunday night dinner this weekend. Also worth mentioning is the two trips we made to a booze warehouse aka: Utopia. Why haven't I moved to California yet?

My Honey also introduced me to the best icecream sandwiches I've ever had and on my last night in town a friend of his made us duck a l'orange, asparagus with Hollandaise and mashed potatoes after softening us up with Mojitos which are now officially my favourite rum-based alcoholic beverage.

As I might have implyed in my last post, the weather was splendid--highs in the low 20s everyday and not a cloud to be seen. It was kinda odd though to see leafless maple and oak trees standing shoulder-to-shoulder with big, bushy palm trees. I even saw a lemon tree laden with nearly-ripe fruit! I have to say I never expected to experience the smell of freshly-cut grass in January. Very strange indeed.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


Okay guys, my 15 minutes of fame will take place on Saturday, February 7th. I have to be there to register by 8pm but I don't think the "fun" starts until 9. These are semi-finals which means if by some miracle I get chosen to proceed to the finals I'll be hounding you for your continued support on an additional date yet to be determined, but don't hold your breath or anything.

So I guess this means I have to pick a song--I have no idea what to sing. Here are some of the suggestions (the ones I can remember):

The Rose (Bette Midler)
Just Like Jesse James (Cher)
Snowbird (Anne Murray)

Feel free to weigh in, vote or make alternate suggestions. I really have no a girl out...?

Friday, January 16, 2009

I Might Need to Buy a T-Shirt

So I'm woefully unprepared for the weather here in California. For some reason it didn't occur to me to bring summery-type clothes so I'm gonna have to do a little shopping methinks.

I'm sure I get your sympathy on this. What--no?

Regardless, I'm happy to be here where it's 20 degrees Celsius and not back home where it's like this or like this.

I also realize I forgot to bring my bathing suit, so I will have to buy one of those before I can partake of the hot tub in My Honey's apartment complex.

Hate the game, not the player.

Monday, January 12, 2009

More Karaoke News--New Save the Date

Apparently there are 3 dates over which the semi-finals will take place--January 31st, February 7th and February 21st--and I get to pick which date I will sing. So the good news is I don't have to sing on the 31st which means (hopefully) my entire posse will be able to come stroke my ego I mean cheer me on! Isn't that great? I can help Katie celebrate her birthday and she can in turn prove how much she loves me by listening to me caterwaul. It's "win/win." Really.

So I still don't know which February date I will be semi-finaling, but as soon as I do I'll let you know. Does anyone have any requests?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Save the Date! **Corrected and Updated**

I got word that the karaoke semi-finals (aka: my big moment in the spotlight) are set to start on Saturday January 31st at Flanagan's Pub (formerly known as Kopper's).

Many of you have offered your support, so here's your chance! I won't hate you if you don't come to cheer me on, however I will likely bring it up at every opportunity, so stay away at your peril!

Ha ha! Just kidding!

Actually no, I'm serious--you'll never live it down--so come out and suffer I mean enjoy hearing me shoot for "Flanagan's Idol!"


It has been brought to my attention that a good chunk of my fan base will be unable to attend as it is Katie's birthday that night and she adamantly refuses to celebrate by making it all about me. Go figure. So that leaves the rest of you who don't know Katie (and will therefore not be standing me up to attend her birthday festivities) to take up the slack.

P.S. Sorry Katie, I can't turn down my (probably only) shot at stardom. I promise I'll get you a totally awesome birthday gift from Cali to make up for not being with you on your special day.

P.P.S Thanks Mindy for pointing out that I'm still in denial about what month we're in.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Break on Through to the Other Side

I made it through a full day at work (barely) and I'm about to attempt another one. I do feel a whole lot better today, although last night I was convinced I was coming down the the same diabolical cold that has claimed Katie, Kiki, Randy and Guy (and possibly my Honey) as it's victims. This morning though, I am clear as a 40 below winter morning in Sudbury so I'm keeping my fingers crossed I dodged that bullet. As long as my throat doesn't get sore I'm probably okay...

If any good comes of this debacle it might be that my appetite is extremely diminished. If it stays that way I might be able to keep the 12 pounds off that I lost as a result of what I'm calling "The Big Purge." I have kinda been using going to the gym as an excuse to allow myself to eat pretty much whatever I want, so if I can stay the course of moderation (well, in regard to food anyway) I might actually see some of the benefits going to the gym affords. Also I have a lot of great clothes I love that I can't seem to squeeze into right now, so getting back into them would be awesome.

Sometimes I think I allow myself to gain weight so I have an excuse to go shopping for new clothes, but eventually this backfires when you have gotten so large that your only option is "Otto the Tent Maker" or going naked. I need to look at losing weight as a opportunity to go "shopping" in my own closet. Or to actually go shopping. Who am I kidding?

Monday, January 5, 2009

I Fell Into a Burning Ring of Fire

Guy "regifted" the gastrointestinal virus he got for Christmas to me and Katie so I've spent the last 3 days either prone on my couch, sleeping in bed or in the bathroom evacuating from either/both end(s).

Happy freaking New Year.

On the plus side, I've lost 12 pounds--on the minus side, it was apparently all muscle because I'm as weak as a kitten and have the stamina of a 90 year old with emphysema. At least the pure liquid shooting from my bowels has stopped, but the ominous gurgling sounds emanating from my abdomen and the intermittent violent nausea are still hanging around. I decided to err on the side of caution and called in sick today, although I'm starting to get cabin fever. I might have to man-up and go to the grocery store just to maintain my sanity. I anticipate I'll come home completely exhausted and will have to recover with a 4 hour nap.

How the hell am I gonna survive 8 hours of work tomorrow?