Your Shot Slide Puzzle

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Sorry for the nearly week-long absence from posting. This past week has been beyond ridiculously busy at work due to the annual Hell generally referred to 'round these parts as Peak RRSP Season. This is the week where agents who sell our products forget everything they know about both what they're selling and how to correctly process said sale. This is also the week when eager (and by "eager" I mean "annoying") clients call in to ask why they haven't received their tax slips yet.

Don't get me wrong--I enjoy my job in customer service, but sometimes you have to wonder at the idiocy of people. Usually I have the patience of a saint, but this time of year it's hard to keep the "inside voice" inside so I've decided to dedicate this post to all the stupid people I've had the pleasure of helping this week.

Episode 1

What I wanted to say:

"You want an exception to process paperwork that was not only filled out incorrectly but was also the wrong form to begin with? If you can't tell the difference between a guaranteed interest contract and a guaranteed investment fund, you don't deserve to sell out product."

What I really said:

"I'll send this off to my exceptions team and see what I can do for you. Anything else I can help you with today? Thanks for calling."

Episode 2

What I wanted to say:

"Your client wrote a cheque to 'Manual Life' while you watched! What the Hell is 'Manual Life?' The name of the company is derived from 'Manufacturer's' and 'Life', not 'Manualfacturer's' and 'Life!' Do you know what you get if you Google 'manual life?' It's not pretty!"

What I really said:

"Yes, many people make this mistake (that's sadly true) but unfortunately the bank won't accept this cheque. I'm sorry but you'll have to go back to the client for a new one."

Episode 3

What I wanted to say:

"No, actually--I'm not going to wait while you finish your call on your other phone. Next time wait until you're done before you call our customer service centre."

What I really said:

"Certainly, I can wait. Take your time."

Episode 4

What I wanted to say:

"We mailed your fucking tax slip out today. Last time I checked February has 28 days this year which means we're within the deadline. Now quit your bitching and go back to spying on your neighbours."

What I really said:

"The last of the tax slips were mailed out today as per CRA regulations. You should get it by the end of next week.

Thanks for calling, and have a great day."

And The Winner Is...

...not me, I'm afraid. I didn't make it into the finals for "Flannagan's Idol."

It wasn't a complete waste of a night though--friends came from near and far to lend their support and cheer me on and for that I am extremely grateful. I had a fun time and I'm pretty proud of my performances, technical glitches and all.

Thanks to everyone who came out tonight. And hey--there's always next year!

I'm Really Psyched About Singing Tomorrow Night!

And by "psyched" I mean "scared shitless!"

I really hope I don't embarrass myself horribly in front of all my strangely loyal friends who are coming out to witness the spectacle. Even if I'm really bad, can you please lie to me and tell me I was great anyway? A little self-delusion never killed anyone and it's not like it's Canadian Idol or anything.

I'm thrilled My Honey came all this way just to see me sing, but it adds a bit of pressure, you know? Like I need to be good so I don't embarrass him! I don't want him to be all like, "I spent the equivalent of the gross national product of Nigeria to come see you sing and you sucked!" But he would never say that. Frankly, I don't even think he would think it, but these are the thoughts that run through my head.

But then my enormous ego kicks in and I realize that no matter how sucky I am, y'all will lie to me and tell me I'm great 'cause that's what I'd do for you. You think ;)

Breakfast With a Hottie, But Not the Original Hottie...

I had an absolutely delightful breakfast with Mindy this morning who is arguably an even hotter hottie than the hottie who dumped me last night 'cause she's coming down with a cold or something--the first hottie, Stephanie, not the second hottie, Mindy. Although if Steph has a cold, she might have a fever which would make her literally hotter than Mindy. But not necessarily figuratively hotter. What I'm trying to say is Mindy is a fine lookin' woman and I'm proud of the fact she was my Valentine's Day breakfast date. Sadly she's happily married, so I don't think I have a chance.

Anyway, as one of only 2 people who commented on my First Anniversary Blog Post, Mindy has qualified for the promised "blog candy." She and Sarah (the only other person who commented) are both truly special and since I'm terrible at flipping coins I have decided they will both benefit from my generosity. So what do they win? Since the three of us don't get together enough I thought it might be nice if we three went out for the ubiquitous "Girl's Night" at one of my favourite hangouts, Martini's. My treat, of course! There we will sample from a staggering selection of martini's while we nosh on fabulous appetizers and mains. And maybe there will be a surprise or two as well...

Now aren't you all kicking yourselves for not commenting?

Well, Now I Won't Enjoy It

Excerpt from my Gmail chat with my Honey tonight:

Honey: So what's new?

me: i have a breakfast date with my friend stephanie on saturday

Honey: This Saturday or next Saturday?

me: this saturday

valentine's day

we're going for french toast at symposium

and kiki and i are going shopping for underwear on sunday

do i have an exciting life or what?

Honey: More exciting than mine.

Let's recap: Kendall: breakfast with a hotty on Saturday, shopping for underwear with another hotty on Sunday, probably great dinner with friends Sunday night. Me: Saturday get yelled at by pre-pubescent assholes online, Sunday more of the same, Sunday night finally break down and eat more shitty McDonalds food in an orgy of self-loathing

I'd say you win...

me: well when you put it that way...

My Word(le)!

I totally stole this from one of my favourite bloggers and let me tell you, hers is way better than mine! Go see my Wordle and enjoy!

I Told You I Don't Have a Green Thumb

My "blog flower" is looking a little rough so I guess I should be a good little blogger and post.

I'm feeling quite a bit better today, but I'm still living with chest congestion and a barking cough. I'm glad I'm not singing tonight--it would be less than my best effort for sure--but I am planning on going out to cheer on my co-worker Krystal who's competing tonight. I'm not sure exactly what she's singing but it's sure to be something country. I'm trying to convince Guy to come along with me, but apparently he's finally given into rampant consumerism and he's having cable and high-speed internet installed in his abode today. He thinks the lure of all that access to pop culture might be too much for him to overcome. I'll try plying him with the promise of beer at my expense, but it might not be enough.

I've learned that I have to sing 2 songs, not just one, so my choice of second song has had me thinking this week. I've settled on "Shadows in the Moonlight" by my beloved Anne Murray. I'm hoping some Canadian content will sway the judging in my favour--whatever helps--but mostly I picked it because Anne and I have the same range (low and limited) and it's one of her more up-tempo songs which should play to the crowd well. Whatever. I don't even know anymore, I just want to get it over with. This is too much pressure!

I Swear This is the Last "Save the Date." Really.

Due to my current health issues (ie. absolutely no voice) my date for the Flanagan's Idol semi-final competition has been changed to February 21st. I'm very sorry for the change in schedule, but if I'm going to have even a remote chance of succeeding at this thing my vocal cords have to be able to produce something resembling music and in the immediate future that's just not happening.

It has been suggested that I should just sing something by Tom Waites or Janis Joplin or Kim Carnes or other, um, "throaty" singers, but I've made my choice and in this state I just can't do it justice.

At this point I wouldn't blame you for being so annoyed with me that you refuse to come out of spite, but if you're still interested in cheering me on come to Flanagan's on Saturday Februay 21st and hopefully I won't suck.

It's Like She Knows Me...

One of my favourite fellow bloggers posted her top 10 favourite things starting with the letter R and I just couldn't resist getting in on the action. Lucky for me, she couldn't have picked a more appropriate letter.

If you want to participate, leave a comment on this post and I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter and post them on your blog. When people comment on your posted list, you give them a letter and the chain continues on and on.

So here it goes, my Top Ten Things That Start With The Letter "F":

1. Fuck.

I'm not below starting with the obvious. The word "fuck" is my most favouritest word in the English language. It is infinitely descriptive but at the same time there's absolutely no ambiguity about it. It adds emphasis, passion and gravity to every sentence it touches. However, one has to be cautious about over-using this powerful word--they don't call it the "F bomb" for nothing.

2. Friends/Family.

For me they're inseparable. Friends are the family you choose and family are the friends you were born with. I am fortunate to have won the friends and family lottery of life and I'm eternally grateful and probably not even remotely grateful enough. My friends and family give my life meaning and purpose--without them I would be incomplete and that both scares me and comforts me. I know--I'm an enigma.

3. French Fries.

The potato is best not when it's mashed, baked or boiled but when it is Julienned and fried in a vat of boiling Canola oil. Twice.

4. My Flute.

I played the flute all through highschool and I was pretty good, too! I longed for a flute of my own but since they're either plated with or made entirely from silver they tend to be a bit expensive. One magical Christmas My Honey gave me my very own flute. I was so moved I cried, no sobbed. The look on his face was priceless--I think his first thought was, " Oh man have I blown it! She's so disappointed she's crying!"--but then he realized they were tears of joy. It is the best gift anyone has ever given me.

5. Fudge.

Strangely, not chocolate fudge as many of you might expect. Nope, I'm specifically thinking of the fudge Jackie made when my brother and I were kids and we were snowed in and she was stuck with two unruly and bored kids for an extra, unexpected day. What did she do? What any sensible surrogate mother would do--she gave us sugar!

6. Fall.

Fall would be my favourite season were it not for one thing--it leads to winter. For that I can never forgive. Ever.

7. Fingers.

Fingers are cool! They're all prehensile and stuff and they have a unique pattern all their own. They can grip really hard or touch as lightly as a feather. Really, where would we be without fingers--completely up the creek. And masturbation would be a LOT more difficult!

8. Figs.

I always liked dried figs which I first had as a child of about 12 when my favourite teacher brought them to class one day. In September 2005 My Honey and I had an opportunity to visit Tuscany and I experienced fresh figs for the first time. I smelled them before I saw them--we were walking around Sienna and we came upon a small garden and I could smell something very sweet. I came around a corner and saw a tree with these bright pinkish red exploded things all over it and it turns out they were over-ripe figs. Birds and insects were crawling all over the things and the smell of fig was overwhelming. Later I discovered there were fig trees at the villa where we were staying and I tried one whole--it was absolutely delicious! I was hooked--I ate probably 3 a day after that. I've had non-dried figs since then, but they weren't the same as the ones I had in Italy. One of many reasons I have to go back, I guess.

9. Ferrari.

Ferrari epitomizes the concept of "sports car." They're sexy, fast and expensive and when I win the lottery I am so gonna buy one.

10. Fountain pens.

The art of letter writing has been lost in this age of email, instant messaging, texting and Twitter. There's something special about the feel of a good-quality fountain pen in your hand and the way it magically glides over the paper leaving a ribbon of India ink behind it. Some people have collections well into the thousands. Needless to say, while I like fountain pens, I don't like them that much.


P.S. I just want to add this one last "F" word: floccinaucinihilipilification. How can you not love that word?

Apparently We Aren't Done

I'm at work but I've had to go off the phones 'cause my voice decided the day was over. I'm hoping I can woo it back with hot lemon tea and Halls so I can get back on but we'll just have to see...at least this is giving me an opportunity to call all the people back I was supposed to call last week but couldn't 'cause I was comatose on my couch.

I'm getting very depressed--I haven't been this sick for this long pretty much ever. Even chocolate didn't make me feel better. I'm definitely not out of the woods yet--my fever has decided to return and I'm getting these weird tingly feelings (kinda like when you get a "someone-walked-over-my-grave" shiver) in my butt and outer thighs. Very strange and probably completely unrelated to my current situation but off-putting nonetheless.

Is it wrong that I'm fantasizing about putting on a flannel nightgown and crawling into bed?