This is Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed Out Alone

I locked my keys in my car at the mall today. I got a bit confused--I meant to put my keys in my purse and leave my gloves on the passenger seat and instead I left the keys on the passenger seat and put my gloves in my purse. Whatever, don't judge me. Normally this wouldn't be a problem since I typically carry a spare car key in my purse, but I let My Honey use it the last time he was here visiting and ever since then it's been hanging out on my bookshelf.

So I went into the mall and asked the nice lady at the customer service desk if security knew how to jimmy open the door on a very basic, no power locks, no alarm system kinda car (I've always held this theory about people in law enforcement-type jobs having a "troubled" youth so I was hoping they'd have someone "experienced" if you know what I mean.) She called someone on her little two-way radio and along came Zach.

Zach was very young, very good looking and very eager to break into my car. So eager in fact, he had forgotten his jacket. This would turn out to be a bad idea. I had briefly considered taking the bus home and getting my building's super to let me into my apartment so I could get my spare key, but they were out when I had left and I was skeptical they'd be there now so I thought my best option was to let Zach have a go.

What followed was a good 15 or 20 minutes of my biting my tongue nearly to the point of drawing blood because of Zach repeatedly saying things like:

"I think it's too short."
"I can feel it!"
"I want it to go up, not out."
"If I could just get it in there..."
"It keeps moving on me."

At this point I made the observation that this was as difficult as finding the G-spot to which he laughed (thank God!) and possibly blushed, although it could have been the cold. He then admitted to me that he had always wanted to do this, "but legally, of course!" I asked him if his fantasy was going as well as he had hoped and he replied, "Not really" to which I responded, "I get that a lot." I thought he was gonna choke.

By this point Zach had determined he was using the wrong tool ( heh heh--"tool") so we went inside so he could find a longer one and also get his jacket before he caught hypothermia. Five minutes later he was back at it, determined not to fail. I admired his tenacity but frankly doubted his ability. He would prove me wrong--10 minutes later I was in my car and he was happily recounting the adventure to one of the other security guys.

But wait! The story doesn't end there. Remember my alternate plan to go home and get my super to let me into my apartment? I discovered when I got home that I had forgotten to lock my apartment door--turns out all I would have had to do is wait for one of my neighbours to let me into the building and I would have been home free.

But then I wouldn't have met Zach and robbed him of his car-breaking-in virginity, so I guess it was all for the best. Oh, and that spare key? It's now in my purse.